Long story short . . . . Today marked the literal and final end of the possibility of a potential relationship with someone. Normally, I literally crumble when this sort of thing happens. My journal entries for the last 3 years mainly consist of me trying not to self-destruct when a relationship ends or when I'm feeling insecure in a relationship. I knew that this was coming today. I cried a lot the night before (from anticipating what was to come), and I cried during our phone conversation. And I cried for 5 minutes afterwards.
And then . . . I was fine. I went back to doing my schoolwork. (Normally I would have gone to sleep to avoid the strong current of negative feelings.) Later, I went and hung out with a couple of friends. And . . . I felt really good about the whole thing. I felt really proud of myself for initiating what was to come and what was best FOR ME. And now, 16-ish hours later . . . I'm good :-) And I realize that all is not lost, and I deserve the best.
Words cannot explain how proud I am of myself for this. FINALLY it feels like the work I've done on myself for the last 3 years is FINALLY paying off. It's just amazing--when you really, REALLY work on your emotional issues, and you don't give up, and you keep moving forward--it really DOES eventually kick in. Without any effort on your part at that moment.
Last night, while watching America's Got Talent (random, I know), I realized just how much I've been selling myself short for so many years. And I realized that I'm kind of fucking brilliant. I'm good at a lot of stuff, and I kinda really believe that I can do whatever the hell I want to do. And I'm not saying this from a personal development/positive affirmation/believe in yourself kind of bullshit perspective. I REALLY realize now that . . . I'm kind of fucking awesome. And for once, I really do mean it. :-)
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