Day 241: Hiking Kennesaw Mountain

I had decided to go hiking today at Kennesaw Mountain.  At 5pm.  In metro Atlanta.  In the sun.  To say I was worried would be quite accurate.  Add that to the fact that it was kind of considered to be a date.  What if it's too hot and I feel like I'm going to pass out?  What if I'm super sweaty and I smell bad?  Those were pretty much my main concerns:  Heat and sweat.

Result:  So it was definitely not a 1 hour or 1.5 hour long hike.  It was a freakin' 7.25 mile hike!  Up a mountain and a hill and who knows what else.  Long story short:  I was sweaty but not super hot.  I definitely struggled through it.  But I did it :-)  And I'm doing it again on Thursday :-)  I even bought a hydration pack backpack last night so that I can have water with me and not have to carry it.  Go me!

Day 240: You Mean I Actually DO Have Things I Have to Get Done This Semester??

(Seriously, lady??)

So.  The place I'm doing my Field Practicum this semester--one of the things I have to do is some online computer training--5 courses' worth.  For all I know, they will take either 10 minutes or 10 hours.  I have no clue.

I VERY EASILY could have been done with them by now.  The goal/semi-deadline is to have them done by Labor Day.  I am pretty much completely booked with appointments and classes and stuff (Dragon*Con!) through Labor Day.  I had PLENTY of time to get this done today.  Instead, I took a 4 hour nap.  (I think I made the right decision.) 

So, yeah.  I can't say I'm necessarily proud of myself for not even starting this training.  But at the same time, I'm not going to beat myself up about it.  It is what it is, and I know that I will get it done by Labor Day.  (Okay, the day after Labor Day at the latest.)  Why stress out about something that I know I will get done eventually anyways? :-)

Day 239: A(nother) First Date

Today I went on my second first date of the week (I know, I'm ballin').  I went already knowing that I was not attracted to this guy.  But . . . I went just in case.  Ya never know.

Result:  He wants to go out again.  I don't.  #firstworldproblems

I have no idea what to do lol.  He texted me literally 25 minutes after the date ended, saying we need to see a movie some time after Labor Day weekend (I will be at Dragon*Con all weekend).  I didn't reply.  I don't know what to say . . . . I'm not interested?  Argh.

Day 238: Productivity? What's That??

This picture sums up the first half of my day perfectly.  I woke up at 530am and couldn't fall asleep, so I worked on stuff for my student group until 8am.  Then I went back to sleep.  Then I woke up and watched an episode of Star Trek.  Then I went back to sleep.  Then I woke up at 4pm, got ready, and headed out for a second date (which went very well, by the way :-)  ). 

SO, yeah, I got very little done today.  And I'm okay with that.  Like I've said before, I'm really good at putting sleep above absolutely everything else.  And yes, my room is a mess, and yes, I haven't started online training for Devereux, and yes, I haven't written another blog post for CFI.  But hey--I've learned that beating myself up about these sorts of things is just not effective. 

So yay to me for not beating myself up as much as I used to :-)  Thanks fail blog!!

Day 237: A Missed Meeting

Today was the first meeting of the semester with one of my former professors for student research work.  He does a TON of research, so he has research assistants who work with him either for directed study or just for the experience.  I'm already doing research with a professor, so research with him would just be for experience. 

I was feeling like absolute crap today.  My sleep schedule is really messed up from taking 8am classes.  Going from waking up at 10am over the summer to 630am now--my body is very confused right now.

So ultimately, I decided to skip the meeting so that I could at least attempt to get more sleep.  I sent him an email saying I didn't feel well and wouldn't be able to make the meeting, and would it be possible for me to stop by his office and learn the ropes on research. 

He emailed me back and said yes, absolutely.  So I will be stopping by his office soon for learning about assisting him with research.  I was very proud of myself for not going and for taking care of myself :-)  If there's one thing I'm good at, it's putting myself first over commitments.  

Day 236: A First Date

Today, I had a first date.  I went with absolutely no expectations.  I find that that is the best approach for me--that way, if it goes well, great.  If it doesn't, nothing lost or gained. 

We met at a nearby (to me) coffee shop.  Long story short, it went very well :-)  By far the best first date ever!  In this case, not failing = a VERY good thing.

Day 235: Am I FINALLY Growing Emotionally?? No Way....

You know, for once, this is something I'm actually REALLY GLAD that I failed at.  Words cannot even describe HOW PROUD I am of myself.  Seriously :-)

Long story short . . . . Today marked the literal and final end of the possibility of a potential relationship with someone.  Normally, I literally crumble when this sort of thing happens.  My journal entries for the last 3 years mainly consist of me trying not to self-destruct when a relationship ends or when I'm feeling insecure in a relationship.  I knew that this was coming today.  I cried a lot the night before (from anticipating what was to come), and I cried during our phone conversation.  And I cried for 5 minutes afterwards.

And then . . . I was fine.  I went back to doing my schoolwork.  (Normally I would have gone to sleep to avoid the strong current of negative feelings.)  Later, I went and hung out with a couple of friends.  And . . . I felt really good about the whole thing.  I felt really proud of myself for initiating what was to come and what was best FOR ME.  And now, 16-ish hours later . . . I'm good :-)  And I realize that all is not lost, and I deserve the best.

Words cannot explain how proud I am of myself for this.  FINALLY it feels like the work I've done on myself for the last 3 years is FINALLY paying off.  It's just amazing--when you really, REALLY work on your emotional issues, and you don't give up, and you keep moving forward--it really DOES eventually kick in.  Without any effort on your part at that moment.

Last night, while watching America's Got Talent (random, I know), I realized just how much I've been selling myself short for so many years.  And I realized that I'm kind of fucking brilliant.  I'm good at a lot of stuff, and I kinda really believe that I can do whatever the hell I want to do.  And I'm not saying this from a personal development/positive affirmation/believe in yourself kind of bullshit perspective.  I REALLY realize now that . . . I'm kind of fucking awesome.  And for once, I really do mean it. :-)

Day 234: First Meeting of the Semester

So today was the first meeting of my school's secular/skeptic group.  I was tempted to cancel it because not very many people had RSVP'ed yes.  But then I reminded myself that the student life office looks down on group's cancelling events the day before or not cancelling at all.  So I decided not to cancel it and take the chance of only me and the vp attending.  (At least we'd have all the pizza!)

Result:  It ended up being a fairly good turnout.  It was fun to catch up with some peeps and talk about secular and skeptic stuff.  And we had some new people come, which was awesome.

I really want this year to be a great year for our group.  I already have set up several days for tabling and Ask an Atheist.  It was really popular last semester, so I'm looking forward to meeting new people and getting some info on atheism and science and such out to the students. 

Even though I'm taking 12 credit hours this semester, I have a lot of free time because of the types of classes I'm taking.  So add the free time to the fact that my sleep schedule is messed up from 8am classes, and I have lots of free time to work on stuff for our group :-)  I'm really excited about helping to make this group awesome.

Day 233: Yahtzee Anyone?

Today, I hung out at a friend's house before the book club meeting we were both going to be attending.  My friend is a huge fan of Yahtzee.  Meanwhile, I've played it a maximum of 5 times.  I thought, "Oh, crap.  She is going to kick my ass, and I'm going to feel really stupid."  But I also thought, "Why not?"

Long story short:  I won the game.  Yeah.  FAIL for worrying for nothing.  Typical really.

Day 232: Book Club Deadlines

So.  This book is 450 pages.  And I had 3 days to read it before the book club meeting on Monday evening.  I really had to push myself to finish this book.  My goal was to read 150 pages each day.  Although that didn't quite happen, I did end up finishing the book in time for the book club.  :-)  I know this isn't quite a fail, but . . . I'm proud of myself for pushing myself to finish this book.  And luckily the book was enjoyable to read.

Day 229: Aggravation

Today, I had some time to spare between class and a meeting, so I went to a friend's house.  We ended up playing this game, Aggravation.  I had never played this game before, and I quickly discovered the reason this game is called Aggravation.  It's freakin' aggravating!!!  You think you're winning; then your opponent lands on your space, and you start at the beginning. 

We played 2 rounds.  She won the first, and I won the second.  While playing, I just kept reminding myself that my winning or losing is NOT a direct reflection of my level of self-worth!  And I kept reminding myself to HAVE FUN.  And it was fun overall :-)  Although it IS fun to win.

Day 230: Filing Fail.

This week, I started volunteering at a behavioral mental health center for my Field Practicum class this semester.  Due to Georgia laws, I can't start working with children yet--you need training first, plus they have to conduct background checks and such. 

So, the place where I'm volunteering, they have you start with medical filing.  And holy freakin' crap, is there a LOT of stuff to file.  A WHOLE LOT.  I have been filing in one of the nurse's stations.  For the first two days, I filed stuff that's easy to file.  Then today, I started to file the nursing/doctor paperwork. 

I lasted 10 minutes.  I could not figure out where anything went.  At first I thought that I just needed to figure out where stuff went, and then I would be okay.  But eventually, I was just like, This is a waste of my volunteering time.  I might as well file the stuff that I already know how to file.  Plus I didn't want to screw up and file incorrectly.

One of the nurses said that maybe she would help me file the nursing stuff.  If she does, that would be great.  But if not, I will keep on filing the easy stuff. 

I used to love filing.  (Literally.)  Now?  Not so much. :-(  That's also good because that means I won't spend my whole semester filing due to convenience or fear of failing at mentoring or something else.

Day 231: A Very Unproductive Day.

Okay, well today wasn't COMPLETELY unproductive.  I did finish a book.  But then the plans for the rest of the day were to read a book for a book club meeting I have on Monday, and then to go to a skeptics meetup in Atlanta.

What actually happened:  I woke up at 1130am.  Went back to sleep at 2pm.  Woke up at 430pm.  Dyed my hair.  Went to a friend's house.

When I'm really tired . . . all of my plans go out the window.  But at the same time, I was proud of myself for letting myself sleep and for letting my plans go out the window.

Day 228: Damn Purses.

My goal for this morning was to leave as early as possible so as to bypass as much traffic as possible on my way to school.

So I'm driving, and I get about 5 minutes or so from my house.  Then I realize, "Shit, I forgot my damn purse!!!"  Just last night, I had switched purses from my usual one to a new, smaller one that my mom got me recently from Florida.  (It's fair trade and handmade in Guatemala and pretty cool.)  I had put the purse around my bed post, and I kinda thought to myself, I hope I remember this thing in the morning.

So yeah, I forgot my purse and therefore had to drive back home to get it.  By now, it was 7am, and I thought for sure traffic would just suck, and it would take forever for me to get to school.  But surprisingly, traffic wasn't bad.  And I now know that I don't have to leave by 630am in order to avoid traffic :-)  So yay!

Day 227: Damn You, Sleep Lover.

(I have a bunny very similar to the one in the picture.  I still sleep with it sometimes....)

I had one main, important goal for today:  Not to take a nap.  Tomorrow was to be my first day of classes, with my first class being at 8am in the morning.  That's bad enough, but add to that the fact that I have to leave early because of traffic, and that doesn't leave much time for sleep.  Especially when you're a night owl.

So I figured the best thing to do in order to (hopefully) be in bed at 1030pm would be not to take a nap during the day.  I was doing really well, too.  Then 730pm hit, and the tired bug hit me.  And I caved in pretty quickly.

Next thing I know, it's 930pm.  "Well, so much for not taking a nap.  And for going to sleep at 1030pm."  I went to sleep probably around 1am or later. 

Needless to say, getting up at 630am was rather difficult.  But I did it.  It is now 445pm, and I am still good energy-wise :-)  Yay!

Day 226: Nothing Day

Today, I didn't really fail at anything.  Well, if you consider the fact that I cried a couple of times today, that could be seen as a fail.  If my goal for the day was not to cry at all, then I obviously would have failed.  But that wasn't my goal.  I was actually kinda proud of myself for letting myself cry and make myself vulnerable with someone. 

Today was a good day, and I am totally content with the fact that I didn't really fail at anything today :-)

Day 225: Stupid Bed Strip Thingies. How Do They Work??

You see these straps in the picture above?  Yeah.  They look all cute and sweet and innocent.  But they're not.

I got a pack of these things for Christmas from my mom.  Almost 8 months later, I'm STILL unable to figure out how the hell to get them to hold my undersheets in place.  SERIOUSLY.  I am sheet strap challenged. 

So what do I do instead?  Deal with the fact that I am a restless sleeper and toss and turn at night and wake up to sheets all disheveled.  And I deal with the fact that, after a few nights, the undersheet thing is pretty much off of all sides of my bed.  And do I fix it?  Nah.  Because I know it'll be like that again a few nights later.

So anyways, yeah, those things in the picture are the devil for me.

Day 224: Flat Tire? Piece of Cake!!!

Today, I went out for brunch with some friends.  While deciding where to park, I hit a curb.  Pretty badly.  Fast forward to the end of lunch.  I get in my car and start driving.  Within about two seconds, I knew that I had a flat tire. 

Flat tires and I are pretty good friends.  I get them fairly frequently.  Usually I call my dad and ask him to come fix it for me.  But alas, my dad was currently in Florida, 8 hours away.  Or I call my current boyfriend of the time, and they help me.  But I am now single and hence have no boy toy to call.  What am I to do?

Option 1:  Go to random tables at the restaurant I was just at and see if some kind gentleman will fix my tire for me.

Option 2:  Call my friend Casey, who is still walking to his car, and see if he can help me.

I went for option 2.  And you know what?  Casey is the freaking master of fixing flats.  He had my tire off and the spare on in literally 5 minutes.  It was the most amazing thing I've ever seen.

And the cool thing was, I didn't cry.  I didn't freak out.  I didn't think, "Holy crap a new tire is going to be expensive this sucks WHY DOES THIS SHIT HAPPEN TO ME."  I thought, "Oh, I have a flat."  I treated it like it was no big deal.

Emotional health for the win!!! :-)  Now if only I could be this way when it comes to boys....

Day 223: I did it!!!

I did it.  I FINALLY FILLED OUT AND FINISHED MY IRB APPLICATION AND SENT IT TO MY PROFESSOR.  I had been putting it off for at least a month.  Why?  Because I couldn't decide how I want to carry out my Methods section for my experiment.  I still am not quite sure how I want to do it.  But you know what?  So what.  I figured I can put something there for now, and see what my professor thinks. 

I DID IT.  And the walls did not come crumbling down.  And my professor didn't email me and say, "Gina, this is crap.  THIS IS CRAP WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU."  (Actually, he hasn't emailed me about it at all yet, but that's beside the point.)

Words cannot describe the amount of relief I felt after completing this application.  And words cannot describe HOW PROUD I WAS of myself.  That alone was the greatest reward ever :-)

Day 222: A To-Do List Gone Awry

In all fairness, I didn't start writing my to-do list at 5pm.  And it merely consisted of emailing someone, updating my blogs, finishing a book, going for a run, and filling out my IRB application.  By 6pm, I was tired and decided to take a nap.  2.5 hours later, I wake up.  "Well, so much for my to-do list!"  I think to myself.  Then I realize that I still have all night to get stuff done.

So some stuff on my list, I got done.  Some stuff, I did not.  Some stuff, I'm working on right now (updating my blog).  And some stuff I didn't even have on the list, but I got them done regardless.  I reserved several rooms/spaces on campus for my student group to hold events.  That felt pretty damn good to get done.  I looked at a site for merchandise we could possibly sell at our table events. 

So despite the fact that I didn't get everything done on my to-do list today, I'm okay with that.  Because there is always tomorrow.

Day 221: O Sleep, My Dear Companion...

Sleep.  It's possibly my favorite 5 letter word in the whole English language. 

Today, I had no set plans.  I didn't plan on leaving the house.  I didn't have anywhere I had to be.  So I was looking forward to FINALLY getting this IRB application of mine filled out.

Unfortunately, my body had other plans.  By the time it was 3:30pm, I had already taken two 3 hour naps.  I didn't want to take the naps necessarily; I was tired and knew that to try to stay awake would be a wasted effort.  So needless to say, the IRB application did not get filled out.

I've struggled with low energy for well over a decade.  I've had all kinds of tests done; I even had a sleep study done when I was around 20 (turned out I had sleep apnea; sometimes I wonder if I still do).  Yet nothing gives me or anyone else an Aha! moment where we can point to that and say, "THAT'S why you have low energy a lot of the time."  So when I don't know why I have low energy, it's very easy for me to blame myself for it.  "If only I tried harder.  If only I fell asleep more easily."  And on and on and on.

Today, after my 2nd nap, I decided to try NOT judging myself for my sleepiness.  "Did I choose to be tired?  No.  Did I choose to take naps?  Yes, but that's because I was tired."

I feel like I'm FINALLY ready to stop judging myself so much.  I judge myself for everything.  You know, I don't even know if I know why I do it.  It's just such a habit that I stopped questioning it.  Until now. :-)

Day 220: Why Hello There, My Dear Old Friend.

I don't even know where to start with this entry. 

The clarinet and I go way back.  We had some good times in middle school.  High school started off well.  But then as high school went on, the clarinet and I had some bad times together.  You wouldn't think we would be enemies, but we were.  When I say that I was one of the best clarinet players in the state when I was in high school . . . I'm not exaggerating.  Sophomore year, I made it to All State, an event held in Savannah for the best musicians in the state.  I went and had fun.  Junior year, I made it to All State again.  But this time, I didn't go. 

You see, by this point, I started to see the clarinet as the enemy.  Every time I would play it, I would only hear my imperfections.  It began to symbolize everything that I hated about myself.  So by the end of my junior year of high school, I quit playing.  I, one of the best players in the state, had had enough of good ole' Clarie.  

Fast forward to now--12 years since I graduated high school.  And I've played the clarinet, on average, about 5 times a year.  And that's being generous.  See, whenever I would play the clarinet, it would only bring up bad memories from high school.  Add to that several years of living in an apartment, and you've got an unplayed clarinet.

Well, I decided to unpack Clarie yesterday and put him together and play him.  And you know what?  It felt good.  It felt good to play my clarinet again.  Sure my air flow has SIGNIFICANTLY decreased from back in the days when I would play for several hours a day.  But that's to be expected when you consider how very little I've played over the last 12 years.  And my facial muscles hurt, too.  And I could seriously not play for very long before being out of  breath.  But you know what?  It still felt good to play. 

I want to play more often.  I want to play more regularly.  I just can't get past my fear of other people hearing me play.  I seriously can't explain it.  I only like to play when there's no one else around to hear me.  And I honestly don't know how to get past that fear.  But for now, I'm going to play and enjoy it while I know that there is no one else around.

Day 219: A Zero Goal Day

Oh my gosh, how I think the above statement is the story of my life lol.

So, today I had absolutely no goals for the day.  Some people might think that's a good thing, or at least not a bad thing.  Me?  A no-plans-day scares the crap out of me.  Because it's SO easy for me to just do absolutely nothing.  I mean, obviously I have to do SOMETHING, but at the end of the day, if someone were to ask me what I did all day, I wouldn't really have a good answer.

So today started off pretty rough.  By the time it was 3:45pm, I had already taken a 3.5 hour nap.  And I had woken up at 10am, it's not like I woke up at 6am.  I just was really tired.  And that's never a good thing.

Luckily my friend Lani wanted me to go over to her place and take care of her dog for a couple of hours.  So I gladly did that because it at least gave my day some sort of purpose.  And then I went out for dinner with my friend Justin.  And that cheered me up immensely because he came up with the best name for our student group ever:  SASS:  Super Awesome Skeptic Society.  I think it's PERFECT because the word "awesome" is my favorite word ever.  I use it several times a day.

And now I'm at home, posting to my blogs.  I still have 3 hours or so before I'll go to sleep.  Oh, and I did read a good amount today, so yay :-)  And that is pretty much what I'll be doing the rest of the day.

So the point of this entry is to say that I failed at coming up with any goals for the day.  And although the day sucked for a while, it got much better towards the end.  So yay.

Day 218: Twain's!

It just hit me that I'm already on day 200-something of this project.  DAMN.  I wonder what project I'll do next year....

Anyways, today I went to Twain's, a (fairly) local pub complete with beer, food, pool tables, darts, shuffleboard, etc.  My friends and I go there to play pool.  There were a lot of friends there (meaning friends as well as aquaintances and people I hadn't met before), so I was rather hesitant to play pool with/in front of these people.  After maybe an hour, I decided, "Okay, I'll play some pool."

Result:  I did HORRIBLE at billiards.  I mean HORRIBLE.  And you know what?  I just shrugged it off while I was playing and still kept going.  And no one said anything mean to me or made fun of me or anything like that.  And the friend I played with was very supportive and awesome and didn't say anything mean to me :-)

So even though I played really badly . . . I still had fun :-)  And for that, I am TRULY proud of myself.

Day 217: Devereux

In the fall, I am taking a Field Practicum psychology class.  Basically, I need to intern or volunteer somewhere for 100 hours total.  I've put in my resume' to two places I'm interested in interning at.  I also called the volunteer coordinator at Devereux (an adolescent residential treatment center near where I live). 

So today, I made an appointment with the Devereux volunteer coordinator.  Next thing I know, I'm awake at 545am today.  Then I get tired and go back to sleep.  I think to myself, "I very easily could email the volunteer coordinator and say that I need to cancel, and can we meet up next week?"  I go back to sleep and keep hitting sleep on my alarm.  It's 9:25am, and I need to leave at 9:30am to meet with the volunteer coordinator.

I can either email her and cancel, or I can get up and be tired and feel like crap but still go anyways and meet her.

I'm so proud of myself:  I opted for the second option :-)  I got up and got ready and drove to Devereux.  We had a campus tour, and she showed me around, and I filled out volunteer forms, and I did a cheek swab to test for drugs.  And I am now on my way to being a volunteer at a facility that I have been thinking about volunteering at for several years.

I am very proud of myself :-)  And I was thinking, "Well, what if I hear from one of the two other places I want to intern at?"  And then I realized that I could intern at a place and still volunteer at Devereux.  So either way, I win :-)

Day 216: Toastmasters

(a random picture of some happy Toastmasters)

Yesterday, I signed up through email to be Ah Counter for today's Toastmasters meeting.

I've been a Toastmasters member for several years.  I go through spurts where I'll attend weekly on a regular basis, soon followed by appearing sporadically or not at all.  I decided to go to today's meeting.

But what if they call me for Table Topics? (I am scared TO DEATH of Table Topics.)  What if I'm super tired?  (I was, but I went anyways.)

So I went.  And you know what?  Everyone was glad to see me.  And I won Best Evaluator for my role as Ah Counter!  (Okay, so it was a 3 way tie, but still :-) )

And I was able to get my next manual--Interpersonal Communications.  So now I can schedule a date to do my next speech, which will involve starting a conversation with a "stranger" (another TM member), and I will talk about techniques for how to communicate with a stranger in an effective way.  No one in our group has done the Interpersonal Communications manual, so I am looking forward to being the first person in our group to use it :-)

All in all, it was a successful fail attempt today.

Day 215: Sugar Woes

Lately, my digestive system has been a pain in the ass.  If I eat anything other than granola bars, crackers, ice cream, or chocolate, I get a very upset stomach.

So this evening, I was hungry.  And so I stopped at a CVS and got a pack of Hershey chocolate bars.  Then my friend and I headed to Mellow Mushroom to play trivia with friends. 

So I sit at the table and proceed to eat all of the chocolate.  No surprise there.

Then I see that Mellow Mushroom has a new menu, including new desserts.  So I get a large cookie with ice cream.  No surprise there.

Hersheys' bars + a large cookie + ice cream = one very tired Gina the next day

Now my options for food are:  crackers, granola bars, and milk.  And mini donuts.  I had mini donuts today for lunch.

I feel like I have to choose between eating the above foods (but being tired), or eating other foods (but having a stomach ache).  Both are not good options in my book.  And thus is the current reason why I hate eating.  But then I get hungry, which makes me tired and cranky.  So regardless, I am led to be tired and cranky, so matter what I do or don't eat.

Day 214: Am I Crazy????!!!!

Today, I got the "awesome" idea of planning and having a 2 day event at my school next year through the campus group I'm a president of.  What am I thinking???!!!  Before I could start to doubt myself and this whole thing, I messaged several people (around a dozen) I thought would be good to have as a speaker at this event.  So far, lots of them have said that they think it's a great idea, and they would be happy to speak at the event in March :-)

So--I ran this idea by my group's vp and our faculty advisor, and both are on board with this :-)  I have never started or run a large campus/skeptic related event, but I figure . . . why not?  There haven't been any events that I'm aware of that are skeptic related but NOT focused on religion at all.  So I figure I'm as good as any person to run a skeptic event :-)

Day 213: A Sad Day. Failed.

Today, my goal for the day literally was to have a sad day.  Now, I NEVER let myself have a sad day.  Sad has always been the enemy for me.  Sad means that I am weak.

Well, after this past weekend, I decided to let myself feel sad for the fact that I live hours and hours away from people I've grown close to.  That's the one thing that sucks about going to these conferences--you meet people who you get close to, and then when the conference is over, you go your separate ways and don't see them until months later. 

I was going to spend the day being sad and being okay with that.

And you know what?  Allowing myself to be sad, I ended up not being so sad.  In fact, I ended up spending the whole day with a close friend of mine and feeling pretty good throughout the day.

I got sad periodically throughout the day, but then it would pass.  I never ever EVER EVER thought I would fail at being sad.  This day COMPLETELY confirms the reasons that I'm doing research in the fall on the idea that allowing yourself to feel negative emotions actually is beneficial.

Day 212: Saying Goodbye.

"Time to Say Goodbye" by Alfred Gockel

For as long as I can remember, I have been TERRIBLE at saying goodbye.  I just think it's really awkward and weird and uncomfortable.  At least for me, that is.  Especially when I'm at a social event and there's a large group of people and I want to leave.  Usually I am one of the last ones to leave because I just hate the awkardness of me saying goodbye to people.

I didn't realize this until later on Sunday, but . . . I didn't really say goodbye to ANYONE at the conference.  I was so focused on saying goodbye to one person in particular, and because of that, it didn't even enter my mind to say goodbye to anyone else. 

And you know what?  I didn't beat myself up about it.  I said goodbye to the one person I needed to say goodbye to, so I'm just glad that I was able to do that :-)  And I'm okay with being bad at saying goodbye in general.  I don't know how else to be.

Day 211: Personable-ness

This weekend, there were several attendees at the conference who I've met at one point or another over the last year.

I can be outgoing and friendly and personable when I want to be.  And when I don't . . . I'm not.  It's a big challenge for me just to approach someone I consider an aquaintance and just strike up a conversation.  I have to really WANT to do it.  And for some reason, I just didn't want to this weekend.  I mean, I thought that I would, but once I got there, I got into my guarded/shy mode.

I'm not proud of this, but . . . I guess being super friendly and making lots of new friends or strengthening newer friendships just wasn't as important to me as I thought it would be.  That's not to say that I didn't make any new friends; I did.  And I certainly talked to people.  But I know that I could have reached out to people a lot more. 

The next conference I'm planning on going to is in November.  And if I want to, I can choose to be more outgoing and friendly with people I'm not already close to. 

Day 210: Conference Icebreaker

Today was the first day of the conference, and the first event involved a group-wide (100+ people) ice breaker. 

Long story short:  I chickened out on some of the stuff.  To go on stage in front of over 100 people and sharing unique aspects about myself was not something I really wanted to do.  And you know what?  I'm okay with that :-)

Day 209: Taking a Chance on a Hotel

My carpool friend and I decided to get to Columbus on Thursday night and spend the night in a hotel before going to the conference on Friday.  So I went to hotels.com and looked through the reviews of over a dozen hotels in Columbus.  Every hotel had some bad reviews mixed in with the good reviews.  After a while, I decided just to pick something.  I picked a Days Inn that had good reviews overall and was inexpensive.  It was only going to be for one night, and what's the worst that could happen?

Result:  I loved the hotel.  It was great!  I loved the inside, which was small but quaint.  The room was very comfortable.  I had requested two queen beds, and we got a room with two queen beds.  I took my chances on picking a hotel, and I gave the hotel 5 out of 5 stars :-)

Day 208: A Much Needed Oil Change

In preparation for my upcoming road trip to Ohio, I needed to get an oil change. 

Result:  I got an oil change.  Whoo-hoo!  From there, I drove to Atlanta to meet a friend for lunch.  While on the interstate, my engine light came on, and my car jerked a couple of times.

Now, I've had this sort of thing happen before after getting my car worked on.  It runs on a computer system since it's a hybrid, and so (I guess) it can be too easy for the car maintenance place to mess up the computer system.

So the next day, on my way to leaving for the road trip, I stopped by the oil place.  I told them what happened.  Long story short, they had put just a teeny bit too much oil in my car, so he drained it and redid it.  And that solved the problem :-)

Day 207: This Blog.

Every day (or close to it), I feel as though I am failing at this blog.  I don't update it every day.  I don't consciously pick something every day to fail at, as I had originally planned on doing this project.

I'm not proud of myself for this.  I don't know why I hesitate so much on posting to this blog.  Or why I don't consciously decide every day what to fail at or attempt to fail at.

But overall, I AM still working on this blog.  I've done a post for every day.  And even if it hasn't gone the way I've wanted it to go, or thought it would go . . . I am choosing to be okay with that.

Day 206: Dorm Room Decisions

This coming weekend I was planning on going to Ohio for a secular student leadership conference.  We were staying in Ohio State's dorm rooms.  The options are a single bed room ($60 a night) or a quad dorm room ($24 a night).  At first, I requested a quad room (3 roommates).  It was much cheaper, and it would be a chance for me to possibly meet people and make new friends. 

Result:  Today, I decided to get a single room.  That way, I would be able to get sleep whenever I wanted, and I'm a VERY light sleeper.  So I emailed someone who works for the secular organization and asked him if it would be possible to switch to a single dorm room.  He replied and said that they had already turned in the room requests to the university.

So I decided to call the university.  Long story short, I was able to switch to a single dorm room.  And overall result--I was VERY glad to have switched to a single dorm room :-)

Day 205: A Highly Anticipated Book

I heard Judy Johnson speak at the end of June at a secular student leadership conference.  She was a great speaker and an expert when it comes to dogmatic mindsets. Having enjoyed her speech so much, I bought her book the next day.

Result:  I've now read over 200 pages, and I'm not impressed with the book.  At all.  I'm not saying that the material isn't good; but the book is VERY long--over 500 pages long.  I feel like I can sum up all of what I've read by saying that there are different types of dogmatic beliefs, and a dogmatic belief system is caused by anxiety of uncertainty and of being wrong.  I just wish that this book was shorter and more condensed.