Day 204: A Missed Meetup

Tonight was the Atlanta Science Tavern meetup.  Basically, it's an awesome meetup group that features speakers and talks that are science related. 

The reason I couldn't go?  Petsitting.  It wouldn't be a big deal, but the dogs I'm watched in Dallas are over an hour from the meetup location.  And the time of the meetup is right when I have to let the dogs out.  Plus I've just been driving everywhere this week.

I'm okay with not going.  I got to take a long nap and spend the evening chilling with some friends :-)

Day 203: IRB Psychology Application Woes

I have got to fill out an IRB (Institutional Review Board) application before my professor and I can begin our research in the fall.  I even already filled one out in Experimental Psychology.  I just have to transfer the info to the newer application form, and I have to update it and make sure the info is still correct.

I still haven't done it.  I watched tv instead.  I've really gotten behind on this research project.  I'm just not super motivated because my professor takes forever to get back to me on emails, or he has to reschedule our appointments for one reason or another.  It's just kind of like, if he's too busy or not that invested in it, why should I be?  I know that isn't that good of an excuse, but I'm just not as motivated about it as I thought I would be.

Day 202: My Resume'. FINALLY.

I finished updating my resume' today.  FINALLY.  This is something I have been putting off for over a month.  Why?  Because I had to completely change my resume' from retail management focus to psychology undergrad focus. 

There were several times where I couldn't figure out how to work with the template I was using.  Several times I wanted to call someone (who?) to see if they knew how I could do a particular thing on MS Word.  But I got through it, finished it, and now I just need to write cover letters, and then I can start sending out to organizations for interning.

And the sad thing is that it didn't even take me an hour.

Day 201: Missed Trivia. Again.

I was planning on going to trivia tonight with friends at Mellow Mushroom.

Result:  It was sunny all day.  Then out of nowhere, a thunderstorm rolled in.  I am housesitting in Kennesaw, petsitting in Dallas, and the trivia is in Decatur.  Basically it's over an hour from one end to the next.  And I didn't want to drive in a thunderstorm in Atlanta traffic.  Plus I'd already been driving a TON back and forth for petsitting.

So I was okay with not going :-)

Day 200: A New Blog

I have decided to start another blog (along with this one).  Its purpose is to chronicle my 15 year journey with depression and food issues.  I KNOW that I cannot help other people until I am comfortable sharing about my past.  I am extremely private about it--and what good is that doing anyone??? 

I'm scared to death about this.  I don't even know what I think might go wrong.  It's just that I've held onto my issues with depression and an eating disorder for so long that I've considered it a close friend that I don't want to share with anyone.

Who knows, I might only last a week doing this, if the struggle becomes too great.  But I think that as long as I have people supporting me and saying my blog is a good idea, then I will continue to do it :-)

Day 199: Book Club Meeting

Today, I had planned on going to a book club meeting in the evening. 

Result:  I decided not to go.  I am totally booked for petsitting.  Plus I am only halfway through the book, and I am REALLY enjoying the book so far.  And I hate going to book club meetings when I haven't yet finished the book.

And the interesting thing is that, about an hour after I decided not to go, a friend asked me to petsit for her dog.  So it actually all worked out for the better :-)

Day 198: Procrastination Wins Yet Again

Why do I procrastinate?  There are several reasons I'm sure.  But one particular reason has affected me for the last two weeks.

Long story short:  I need to fill out an IRB (review board) application to my school so that my professor and I can start my research project in the fall.  I really didn't want to do it.  I had done it a year ago for my Experimental Psychology class, but the form was updated recently.

Surely if I ignore it, it will get done on its own, right?

Two days ago, my professor emails me, asking how the application is coming along. 

Two days later, today, I wake up super early and cannot fall asleep.  Two hours go by and I think, "Okay, I'm FINALLY going to fill out this application."  So I start filling it out. 

"Gee, these questions seem kinda familiar.  I'm going to compare the new form to the one I filled out a year ago."

IT'S THE SAME DAMN FORM.  Just in a different format/font.

Procrastination:  1.  Gina:  0.

Day 197: That's What Friends are For. (Or so I thought.)

The above cartoon sums up my feelings on a recent friendship ending very well.  In case you can't read it:

Green:  Hey Mike, what's happening?
Yellow:  Frank, just stop it.
Green:  What's wrong?
Yellow:  We can't be friends anymore.
Green:  But Mike, I can change!
Yellow:  No Frank.  It's too late.  We're over.
Green:  BUT...
Yellow:  Just get out!
(Green runs away sobbing.)
Yellow:  What a dick.  Geeeeeeez!

So yeah.  A good friend (well, not as good as I thought) of mine ended a 10 year friendship with me VERY abruptly.  Saying that she didn't feel a connection with me anymore.

I didn't take her message very well.  I mean, I totally understand the fact that some friendships end.  I'm certainly not friends with everyone I've ever been friends with.  But she DELIBERATELY ended the friendship.  And the part that really hurts is she didn't even discuss it with me beforehand.  She didn't say, "Hey Gina, I feel like our friendship is fading.  What do you think?" or something like that. 

I'm just glad that I'm not the type of person who would abruptly end a friendship without ANY regard for the other person's feelings.  And I'm glad that I'm friends with people of all different religions, beliefs, values, standards, and so on.  I like that I'm so versatile.

Day 196: It's Friday, I'm [Not] in Love!

Looking at the google images for "Friday" has made me even more depressed about my Friday evening than I was before.

Friday.  Every person's dream day.  But for me?  Let's just say that if I don't have plans for a Friday night, I feel like a major loser and like I am just the least coolest kid in school.

So this Friday evening, I found myself:  At a petsitting client's house.  Asleep on the couch.  Watching "The Boxer." 

This evening did wonders for my self-esteem.  The thing is, I WANT to be okay with spending an evening (even a Friday!) by myself.  But that little (or big) voice inside of me still tells me it's uncool not to be doing something social on a Friday night. 

And I have no idea how to overcome this belief.

Day 195: My Encounter With a Piano-Playing Singing Atheist

Tim Minchin.  Who the hell is this guy?  That was a question I was determined to find out.

I became aware a month or so ago of the fact that the aforementioned individual would be in Atlanta in July.  Lots of people in the atheist and skeptic community are big fans of his work.  I didn't really understand what the big deal was, so I decided to go to the concert in an attempt to get in on the fun and the buzz.

I almost didn't go to the concert.  There wasn't even really a particular reason other than the fact that I am naturally a homebody and have to force myself to leave the house on a regular basis.  The ironic part is that I (almost) always have fun doing social things with friends and new aquaintances.  So I ploughed through my reluctance and went to the concert.

In short:  I had a blast!  And Tim Minchin is simply fabulous.

Day 194: Conflict Schmonflict

For over a year, I have participated in group therapy at my university's Counseling and Psychological Services center.  It's free therapy, and I am a huge fan of free therapy.

If there's one common theme in most therapy groups, it's this:  People HATE conflict.  They will do almost anything to avoid it.  I certainly count myself as a participant in the conflict avoidance group.

However, during today's meeting, I found myself in a heated discussion with one of my fellow group participants.  The subject was actually about group therapy.  Long story short, I was telling her the realities of group therapy (such as people not participating, dropping out, not being consistent, etc.).  She thought I was attacking her. 

I VERY easily could have stopped and said, "You're right, I'm sorry," or something similar that would afford me the opportunity of ending this conflict-fest.  Instead, I pushed through it.  I stood my ground.  When she started blaming me for the fact that she would now leave group in a bad mood, I said, "I'm not responsible for your mood.  You can't blame that on me." 

And you know what happened?  Eventually she realized that I WASN'T attacking her.  And a good group discussion emerged as a result. 

For one who tends to avoid conflict, I would say that I handled the situation very well :-)

Day 193: To Dress Up or Not to Dress Up...

Today was the book club meeting for "The Palce of Illusions," a novel that involves several Hindu stories.  A friend of mine who was attending the meeting mentioned the idea of dressing up for the meeting.  I have an Indian outfit (it's not a sari) that I haven't worn in years because I just haven't had anywhere to wear it.  So I thought, "Yay, I will be able to wear it at this meeting!"

So today comes.  And I'm just having a bad day mood-wise.  And for me to dress up and wear this outfit would require lots of mental energy (I can't explain it) that I just didn't want to use up. 

So, I didn't dress up.  And I showed up at the meeting, and my friend and another attendee had dressed up in pretty Indian outfits.  And I just wore my regular everyday clothes.

And I'm okay with that.  I can't be perfect all of the time :-P

Day 192: Book Buyers Anonymous

(Is that bench cool or what??)

Hi.  My name is Gina, and I have an addiction.  I CANNOT STOP BUYING BOOKS.  Of course it would be fine if I could actually keep up with them.  But I can't.  I have dozens of books that I haven't read, and yet I keep buying more.

Today on the way home from Florida, we passed by a billboard that mentioned $3 books and thousands of books available.  I passed by it on the way to Florida.  But to pass by the store on the way home from Florida--that would just be foolish.

I bought close to a dozen books for $35 total.  KILLER DEAL.  But I know for a fact that it will possibly be never that I will actually read all of them.  Because I just keep buying more and more books.

I buy my books on discount, so it's not a problem financially.  It's a problem regarding time and space.  And the problem is, I don't think it's really a problem.  I mean, they're BOOKS.  It could be worse, right???

Day 191: Beach Haters Unite!!!

For the last 20 years, I have hated the beach.  It's crowded and hot.  I hate sand, getting burnt, and saltwater.  So before I had even left for Florida, I had decided that I was not going to go to the beach.  Even if that meant hanging out at the hotel by myself, I was just not going to go.  I guess when your only beach experience (other than from before you were 9 years old) is at Panama City Beach when you're in the 10th grade, you're bound to dislike it.

Come Saturday, we go to the beach because that's where the wedding was taking place.  And you know what??  I actually liked the beach.  It was quiet, not overly populated, and the water was nice.  I even found myself wanting to go back there the next day!!!

So come the next day, my friends and I go to the beach.  And I had a nice time :-)  The weather was perfect--it was a comfortable temperature, and it was cloudy and yet sunny at the same time.  I brought some magazines and read those.

I, Gina, no longer hate the beach.  I never ever thought I would say those words.

Day 190: Pools Usually Aren't my Scene...

But I made an exception this past weekend.  My close girl friends and I went to Florida because a good friend of ours was getting married.  I stayed in a hotel room with 2 of my friends and one of their sons.  So of course, the hotel had a pool. 

I had three options:  Spend time by myself in the hotel, spend time by myself somewhere else, or hang out with my friends at the pool.  I chose the 3rd option.  But:  What if I get burnt?  What if I'm super hot?  What if the water is super chlorinated and burns my skin or my eyes?  What if what if WHAT IF???

But guess what?  I had fun at the pool.  I really did!  I brought a book.  And I went swimming.  And some of our other friends showed up at the pool.  I did get burnt some, but just in spots where I missed sunscreen, and so it was definitely worth it.

Day 189: Me? Drunk?? Never!!

Literally.  I cannot get drunk.  Or maybe I have a misunderstanding about what it means to be drunk. 

You see, regardless of how little or how much I drink, I either feel nothing or I feel awful.  There's no feeling good part. 

But tonight, I was in Florida with friends, so I thought to myself, "What the hell, I'll give this drinking thing a try."  So I had a Smirnoff Ice, 2 shots of the above drink, and 2 other drinks.  And I felt something, but it wasn't drunk.

There is one thing about not getting drunk.  Okay, two.  It saves me a lot of money because it causes me to rarely drink.  And another is that I don't kill as many brain cells and do as much damage to my brain as I would if I drank more often.

This is a case where failing = good.

Day 188: Journaling

After months of hiatus, I FINALLY journaled today.  In an actual physical journal and not an online journal.

What am I so afraid of?  I don't even know.  I know that I have things to say.  And not afraid of finding some stuff out about myself that I didn't know before--I'm all for that. 

Maybe I should journal about what my fear of journaling is....

I would like to journal every day.  But I've never really been an advocate of that.  I mean, I don't want to force myself to write if I have nothing to say.  But at the same time, I think it might be a good daily habit.  So maybe I will do it for a while and see how it goes....

Day 187: Trivia. A Popular Topic of My Blog.

Every week or so, I go through this.  "I want to go to trivia, but I feel like crap, and so I just want to stay home and wallow in my crappiness."  I even invited a friend to go with me to trivia, but I still had the thought, "I'm tired.  Do I REALLY want to go?"

Luckily, I pushed through those thoughts and fears anyways, and my friend and I went and played trivia with my friends.  And we got 1st place!!!!  And best of all, there was a Beetlejuice question.  What is the handbook that is given to the dead?  Handbook for the Recently Deceased, baby!!!

Day 186: How Fun IS Hiking Anyways??

So.  My friend Hollie and I had planned on going hiking today somewhere in Georgia.  I hadn't seen Hollie in over a year.  And yet I still found myself highly questioning whether or not I should go hiking with her.  What if it's super hot?  I don't know what to wear!  WHAT IF I DON'T HAVE ANY FUN????

Despite my anxiety about this whole thing, I decided to go anyways.

And I had an absolute blast!!!  I really like hanging out with Hollie, and we went hiking to a place I had never been before.  And then afterwards we had lunch in Dahlonega, a city I hadn't been to in at least 10 years.  Then later we went to Woodstock for the fireworks that had been cancelled the night before, and it was a lot of fun :-)

I'm really glad I pushed through my fears and went.

Day 185: What's 4th of July Without Fireworks?

Answer:  It's still 4th of July.

My friend and I had planned on going to Woodstock, GA for the fireworks celebration.  But the weather was terrible--pouring and storming and thundering and lightning.  So eventually we just decided to chill at her house.  The fireworks ended up being cancelled anyways.  So failing to go see the fireworks worked out since they were cancelled anyways.  Yay!

Day 184: Me? A Babysitter???

I can honestly say that it wasn't until my good friend Jen had a baby that I actually liked babies.  I can't even say that I like babies; I just like her baby. 

So when she asked for someone to watch her daughter so that she and her husband could go on a date night, I immediately said I would do it.  I had watched her before, and she slept the entire time.

So this time, I hoped that she would again sleep the entire time.  And she did :-)  I very easily could have failed at this gig somehow . . . but I didn't.  So yay!

Day 183: Solitude Woes

Other than petsitting for a couple of people, I have literally nothing specific planned for today.

Sounds great, right?  I can literally do whatever I want to do.  Exercise.  Watch movies.  Read.  Do something crafty.  Etc etc etc.

Instead, I think about how much I hate being alone these days.  I mean, for YEARS I enjoyed spending time by myself.  Now when I do it, I feel lonely and sad. 

So now I am at my friend Lani's place, hanging out with her and her fiance' and his daughter.  Believe me, I really enjoy hanging out with my friends.  And I love hanging at my friend Lani's place.  But I wish just that I enjoyed spending time by myself like I used to.  And what's even worse is I don't know how to enjoy it again.

Day 182: Appointment With a Prof

My professor and I are working on a research project to start in the fall.  Right now, we are working on the details. 

Today, we had an appointment to go over the Methods section--decide the details of how we're going to do the study.  I was going to go over and redo my hypotheses.  And finish up the introduction.

I did neither. 

I was afraid that my professor would kick my butt.  I mean, I knew he wouldn't really do that, but I want to stay on his good side.  Yet that wasn't enough motivation for me to actually do what I was supposed to do.

Luckily, it all worked out, and I got by just fine.  But still, I don't recommend not doing what your professor says you should.

Day 181: A Missed "Appointment"

I had an appointment today. 

I missed it.

On purpose.

Whoops.

Day 180: Thermostat Woes

One of the people I'm petsitting for lives near my university.  So I decided to chill at their house for a little bit between appointments. 

Problem:  I couldn't figure out how to get the air conditioning to turn on.  I'm used to digital thermostats, not the type in the picture above.

Let's just say that I didn't stay there long.  And sadly it took me until the next day to figure out how to turn the air conditioning on.

Day 179: A Bad/Sad Mood

Today was a rough day. 

It's always tough to come home after an awesome conference.  I missed being around friends.  I knew that some people I may never see again.  And the uncertainty of how certain things will go from this day forward is enough to paralyze me and cause me to want to sleep all day.

Day 178: Carpool Driving. Still.

I was still driving on this day.  And there were parts of this day that I was not driving.  Therefore, this activity counts as two days. :-)

Day 177: 15 Hour Drive, Anyone?

I carpooled with 4 friends from Atlanta to Buffalo and back to Atlanta.  We took my mom's SUV.  According to my mom, I am the only one on their car insurance, which means that I am the only one allowed to drive the vehicle.

From Atlanta to Buffalo:  16 hours

I, surprisingly, was able to drive the entire time.  I was pretty damn proud of myself.

From Buffalo to Atlanta:  16 hours

This route, however, was much more difficult to drive than the first.  Why?  Because at this point, I was operating on very little sleep over the weekend.  Why sleep when you can party with secular humanists?  Plus we didn't leave until 2pm, which meant that we wouldn't get back to Atlanta until 6am. 

Did I drive the entire time?  No.  I drove all of it except about 5 hours.  My fellow compadre Jeff the 5 hours.  And I was very grateful :-) 

No one fell asleep at the wheel, and no one got into an accident.  And for that, I am extremely grateful. 

Day 176: John Shook

This is not a picture of the John Shook I will be referring to in this entry.  But this is a John Shook.  I just think this is a kind of awesome picture.  He's cute and yet intimidating at the same time.

Anyways, so Saturday night at the conference, John Shook (a humanist who speaks about humanism and ethics) gave a talk about humanism.

From what I've heard and what I've read, near everyone enjoyed his talk.  I, however, did not.  I thought it was a whole lot of fluff.  I mean, a good talk doesn't need a lot of fluff.  And without that added fluff to his talk, I don't think his speech would have had much material to it.  I didn't like it anyways, so it's not like it would have been better without the added substance.

He sure didn't explain to me what humanism is, and he came across as extremely arrogant and with an "I-am-better-than-and-smarter-than-you" attitude, but . . . at least I stood up and asked him a question during the Q&A part of the talk.  I didn't enjoy the Q&A session, either, and I certainly didn't like the answer that he gave to my question (What is the difference between humanism and existentialism?).  But . . . yeah, I didn't like the talk.

Day 175: Humanists Sure Know How to Drink!

Part of the yearly student leadership conference involves drinking.  Lots of drinking. 

Some friends and I drove to a local convenience store to get some alcohol in order to partake in the dorm room drinking festivities.  I got Mike's Hard Pink Lemonade, since I hate beer, and I hate Mike's regular lemonade.

This drink was super good.  However, the combination of sleep deprivation and low alcohol tolerance caused me to start slurring after just one drink.

So yeah.  I'm not ashamed to say that it only took one hard lemonade drink to make me stop drinking.  I'm kind of proud of my low tolerance level actually.  It sure saves me a lot of money and a lot of worrying about getting drunk and thus suffering the various consequences arising from being drunk.

Dorm Room (Potential) Woes

This weekend, I went to Buffalo, NY for a student leadership conference.  Our "hotel" was the State University of New York:  Buffalo's dorms.

Last year, almost everyone had a room of their own.  This year, I don't know if anyone had a room of their own.  So, I could have just stayed in my room and taken my chances with whoever was to be my roommate.  Instead, I chickened out and shared a room with 2 of the guys I drove to Buffalo with. 

For all I know, the other roommate never showed up.  Or they might have done what I did and moved rooms.  But I would rather room with people I know and am comfortable with than take my chances rooming with a person I might not even like.  Sure, we could have turned out to be best friends if I had stayed in that room.  But it was a risk I was willing to take.

Day 173: The Happiness Project

I read this book a couple of months ago, and I loved it.  The year long project that the author started is the exact sort of thing I have been wanting to do for many years. 

And yet, I have yet to actually start this project.  I mean, I have all sorts of things that I would want to explore in an attempt to increase my happiness--improve my diet, my relationship with food, play instruments again, be creative again, journal more, etc. 

I have a hard time discerning when my lack of motivation is due to my decades'-long struggle with depression or just pure laziness and lack of motivation.  I usually assume it's the first one, and I give up on whatever it is/was that I wanted to try or do.  There are many times that I have wanted to quit this year long project, my fail blog.  I feel like I am failing at this project, that I'm not REALLY trying to fail.

Fail, don't fail, either way I'm not happy with myself.

Day 172: Journaling

For years, I have been a journaler.  I own dozens of journals--some full, some unused, some only half full.  Looking at journals and buying new ones was something I looked forward to and enjoyed.

This last year, I have journaled hardly at all.  Yes, I have an online journal, but it's just not the same thing as putting pen in hand and writing my thoughts down on actual paper. 

Every day, I think to myself, "I really want to journal again.  I could journal today."  But something keeps me from doing it.  And I don't know what.

I feel like my not journaling is representative of a larger problem going on in my life.  I'm just not quite sure yet what that problem is.